Online Dating and the Therapist?

I haven’t been here in a long time. So much has happened; I’ll have to pace myself to catch up. Today’s rant is about Online Dating and the Therapist. Let me start by saying I really like my therapist; but she has convinced; at least herself; that I need a man and that will cure-all of my ills. So, it is with this thought in mind that, I have embarked into the world of online dating with my therapist leading the charge.  therapist

This is more than a little weird to me. We should be discussing my issues. My lack of motivation. The reasons why I’m still fat. How about why I always get to work late? My apartment is a mess; let’s discuss that. I hear negative feedback in my head all of the time. I am ambitious and near about lazy at the same time. Let’s not even discuss the number of pills that I am taking. Procrastination fights me for the front seat of my life almost everyday. I feel bereft and without purpose; “a wondering generality” as Zig Ziglar would say. How do I get past myself to the better parts of my life. When does this madness end! I really think we have enough to discuss sans the dating websites but what do we talk about; you got it, the dating websites.

I’ve met a few people. Not the scum of the earth but certainly not love at first sight.I’m still wondering lost and aimless but at least these people do not know that; not yet anyway. What can I say about therapy? I am not sure if I should recommend her to

Sally and Doug had met online and were proving to be very compatible...
Sally and Doug had met online and were proving to be very compatible…

someone or not. You know what I mean? Here I am paying every week for service just to be told that I need to get out and have a life. Is it really that simple? It doesn’t feel that simple and the trolling on the websites is tiresome if not depressing. Wait, I’m already depressed. This is not helping. However, I have discovered that she is better at writing to these people than I would ever be. Most of my message she dictates. A couple of times I’ve wanted to tell people, the one who wrote the message is not the one you’re talking to; let me introduce you to her. I would be pretentious and say she is living vicariously through me but she is a widow with a boyfriend. I should be looking through a window to her life, I think. The sessions are helpful in some ways but not as much as I would like. Is it time for a new therapist or is she on the right track?

In the meantime I’m still working on these websites; meeting people whom I may never see. Learning not to be so frank; scared off a few that way. Learning to enjoy life; I’m not so sure about that. I am convinced there are more chapters in this story. I’ll try to come back and relay some of them here. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, this is not what I expected…

It has been almost a full school year since I started working on my new campus. I just can’t believe how the time has flown by. I haven’t lost anymore than a few pounds at best. My new apartment looks just a hair cleaner than my old one and still haven’t returned to school yet, to finish my own dream…an EdD or a PhD.

So what has changed? I have new places to stuff my face; my new students actually get on my nerves in a good way; or at least a more positive way and although I am happy to be employed sometimes my inner self feels as if it has been hit by a mack truck.

 

big-apple-darkSo we were visiting a city named after a red fruit with ten of my precious students. The dynamics are weird and I am treating one of these babies like he is my “mini man” .I was just in the middle of talking to this student and was beginning to explain why I was mildy disappointed at him; I started to cry. Why, because I realized I was wasting this child’s time. He is scared to grow up but considerate enough to help an “old woman” out. What was I doing that was going to help this kid’s life by using him as a sounding board to the “problems” of my nonexistent life lived through them.

Then I cried even more because I realized what I knew all along. Even though I believe in them they don’t see much for themselves and thus can not fathom the depth of what I think I see. How frustrating to be the only one in a “box” that seems to want to get out into the real world. 

I stopped wasting that beautiful child’s mind and energy so that he could be with his friends and I could cry in peace. I feel like a goof; possible even a failure. This whole school year has flown by and I have not accomplished nearly enough to help motivate these young people.  I feel like a FAILURE. I see leadership in children who are scared to be leaders;  a potential I seem to have become a good friend to other students who will only talk to me and not anyone her own age.

I finally decided I must have been having quite a bad day. How can you love a child but not for anyting other to look at; worry about teaching students my passion but not even study for my subject, feel like I ‘ve adopted grown children but feeling physically scared at even the thought of having my own.

Besides that would only make me feel like a bigger GOOF or Failure than I do right now.

All this is flashing through my head tonight so I will write just a little of the prayer requests I sent out today.

I ask for guidance in everything that I say and every action I make in front of my students and on my own. I happen to think that one of my male students is attractive. Of course, he is way too old for me(joke). I don’t see him in an adult manner but as a younger version of the boyfriend I still miss very much after 8 years. It all started over 12 years ago when I just knew I had found the one. The one I found was not for me. This young man approached me before God just booted me out of the other relationship and when that relationship didn’t work; I went to this guy. This didn’t work either but I miss him and they way he made me feel when we first started. I finally accepted defeat ( in my eyes; failure) about 5 years ago. I have made little to no attempts to date and I have isolated myself. So, I use my job as my outlet; my students as my life. Please let me be a true example for others to follow. Let my life lead the one to me and not me to just anyone.

I am also adding that I find the right person to talk to; that I start going back to my therapist; that I make more of an effort to gain self esteem and health;  develop love for myself no matter what; that I accomplish my educational dreams; that I just live my life to the best of my ability.therapy_coach

Wow, what a concept. If this post sounds somewhat confusing it’s because that’s the way I feel.