It has been almost a full school year since I started working on my new campus. I just can’t believe how the time has flown by. I haven’t lost anymore than a few pounds at best. My new apartment looks just a hair cleaner than my old one and still haven’t returned to school yet, to finish my own dream…an EdD or a PhD.
So what has changed? I have new places to stuff my face; my new students actually get on my nerves in a good way; or at least a more positive way and although I am happy to be employed sometimes my inner self feels as if it has been hit by a mack truck.
So we were visiting a city named after a red fruit with ten of my precious students. The dynamics are weird and I am treating one of these babies like he is my “mini man” .I was just in the middle of talking to this student and was beginning to explain why I was mildy disappointed at him; I started to cry. Why, because I realized I was wasting this child’s time. He is scared to grow up but considerate enough to help an “old woman” out. What was I doing that was going to help this kid’s life by using him as a sounding board to the “problems” of my nonexistent life lived through them.
Then I cried even more because I realized what I knew all along. Even though I believe in them they don’t see much for themselves and thus can not fathom the depth of what I think I see. How frustrating to be the only one in a “box” that seems to want to get out into the real world.
I stopped wasting that beautiful child’s mind and energy so that he could be with his friends and I could cry in peace. I feel like a goof; possible even a failure. This whole school year has flown by and I have not accomplished nearly enough to help motivate these young people. I feel like a FAILURE. I see leadership in children who are scared to be leaders; a potential I seem to have become a good friend to other students who will only talk to me and not anyone her own age.
I finally decided I must have been having quite a bad day. How can you love a child but not for anyting other to look at; worry about teaching students my passion but not even study for my subject, feel like I ‘ve adopted grown children but feeling physically scared at even the thought of having my own.
Besides that would only make me feel like a bigger GOOF or Failure than I do right now.
All this is flashing through my head tonight so I will write just a little of the prayer requests I sent out today.
I ask for guidance in everything that I say and every action I make in front of my students and on my own. I happen to think that one of my male students is attractive. Of course, he is way too old for me(joke). I don’t see him in an adult manner but as a younger version of the boyfriend I still miss very much after 8 years. It all started over 12 years ago when I just knew I had found the one. The one I found was not for me. This young man approached me before God just booted me out of the other relationship and when that relationship didn’t work; I went to this guy. This didn’t work either but I miss him and they way he made me feel when we first started. I finally accepted defeat ( in my eyes; failure) about 5 years ago. I have made little to no attempts to date and I have isolated myself. So, I use my job as my outlet; my students as my life. Please let me be a true example for others to follow. Let my life lead the one to me and not me to just anyone.
I am also adding that I find the right person to talk to; that I start going back to my therapist; that I make more of an effort to gain self esteem and health; develop love for myself no matter what; that I accomplish my educational dreams; that I just live my life to the best of my ability.
Wow, what a concept. If this post sounds somewhat confusing it’s because that’s the way I feel.